Now think about where you'll be in 5 years time. Whether you'll be in the same job, be with the same person. Whether your health will still be the same.
My acupuncturist today talked about how, 5 years into the future, my headache won't be such an important part of my life.
But how can he know that? How can anyone know that? How can I dare to hope that?
When you have chronic pain, you forget what life was like before it. You forget what it feels like to move without things aching, to wake up and spring out of bed. You can't remember the last week you went without trying some sort of pain relief, whether it be conventional medicine or otherwise. It still feels like regardless of any improvements over the last year, I still cannot envision a day without my headache. Without at least once a day going "ooof that hurts" or "urgh that aches".
But my headache HAS improved in the last year. I've gone from needing deep heat on everyday, to every so often. I take painkillers less than once a week, when it used to be a miracle if I went a few days without them.
I still crack and rub and generally wish away the pain, but I can't deny that there's been some change.
But some change doesn't feel like anything when you've been putting up with this for 8 years. And when a general improvement is punctuated with moments so dark, so distressing and so deeply agonising that you can barely gasp for breath, it doesn't feel like anything has gotten better really.
As I write this, my head aches and my neck is so sore. When you've read this, and you go back to whatever you were doing, my head will still ache, my neck will still be sore, and I will still be thinking about 5 years time.
Maybe, in 5 years time, I will be free.
