But when I leave, the door to this dark place is always open. Always ready to receive me. Always happy to welcome me into its unrelenting and tortuous arms.
Because the pain that leads to this dark place never stops. It never goes away. I can never turn my back on it, because it is always there. It is such a part of me that I think the only way it will end, is when I do.
I'm stronger than I used to be about it. I am able to write this blog. I have been able to work, and commute home from work, and when I got in I fed the cats. I have been able to take off my jewellery and get into my pyjamas.
But this pain systematically claws at this strength I cling to, looking for the weak spots.
And when it finds them, I end up collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out, but afraid to move because every turn of my head results in more agony.
I heard on the radio this morning, that Nice have issued official advice for headache sufferers, which include Acupuncture for tension headaches, and not taking painkillers. My nan even cut out the article from The Telegraph for me.
This is something I already knew. Medication overuse is one of the vague reasons given to me for my 7 year
Yes, the divorce they started LAST YEAR. 6 years into this pain.
So, for those suggesting that my Chronic Daily Tension Headache could be treated with Acupuncture, may I inform I have had 2 courses of Acupuncture, one lasting about 8 or 9 weeks when I was in Sixth Form (so right at the beginning of my headache), and another lasting months, and provided by the NHS, during my 2nd and 3rd years at university.
And oh wait, I'm not cured.
As for taking too many painkillers, that's a No Sh*t Sherlock situation. I have not been the most responsible with painkillers over my life time and they have usually been the first thing I reach for when my head hurts. I have pushed myself to resist, and today I did. for 4 hours. Until my headache got so unbearable I could barely walk straight and I thought I was going to pass out and/or vomit from the pain.
3 hours later, the headache is marginally better. I still feel hugely nauseous and faint.
Going cold turkey from painkillers is not mission impossible, but it is mission un-bloody-likely. Not when you've had 7 years of pain already and whilst you can cope with the day to day dull ache that NEVER.GOES.AWAY, the blinding nausea-inducing headaches are not going to go away unless you go to sleep then and there. And when you are trying to make a living and get on with your life, that's not going to happen.
The neurologist in The Telegraph article recommends that coming off the painkillers should be done in consultation with your GP about preventative medication.
Ohhh! Why haven't I tried that??
Oh wait yeah. Years number 3 and 4 of headache. Silly me.
So essentially, this new "official advice" proffered up today to us poor headache sufferers (of which there are 1 million of us with medication overuse headaches, and a further 1.5 million with tension headaches - so which group do I wallow with I if I have a Chronic Tension headache possibly caused by medication overuse and/or tension?) is nothing I haven't heard before.
Oh except that tension headaches are difficult to treat.
No wait, I knew that one too.
**
Do I walk around with haunted eyes?
Do you see the pain that resides
Behind them?
The stabbing, the scraping, the hot poker iron.
The hammer, or mallet, the roar like a lion
When it throbs, and it pounds, and whirls me around
The world of pain.
Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.
