A World of Pain

I am writing this blog from a dark place that I do not visit regularly, or stay in long.
But when I leave, the door to this dark place is always open. Always ready to receive me. Always happy to welcome me into its unrelenting and tortuous arms.

Because the pain that leads to this dark place never stops. It never goes away. I can never turn my back on it, because it is always there. It is such a part of me that I think the only way it will end, is when I do.

I'm stronger than I used to be about it. I am able to write this blog. I have been able to work, and commute home from work, and when I got in I fed the cats. I have been able to take off my jewellery and get into my pyjamas.

But this pain systematically claws at this strength I cling to, looking for the weak spots.

And when it finds them, I end up collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out, but afraid to move because every turn of my head results in more agony.

I heard on the radio this morning, that Nice have issued official advice for headache sufferers, which include Acupuncture for tension headaches, and not taking painkillers. My nan even cut out the article from The Telegraph for me.

This is something I already knew. Medication overuse is one of the vague reasons given to me for my 7 year itch headache. That, as well as psychological problems and anxiety about joining Sixth Form, riding too many rollercoasters in Florida, drinking Coca-Cola and eating chocolate. One of my GPs actually suggested that maybe when my parent's divorce had finally been settled, my headaches would get better.
Yes, the divorce they started LAST YEAR. 6 years into this pain.

So, for those suggesting that my Chronic Daily Tension Headache could be treated with Acupuncture, may I inform I have had 2 courses of Acupuncture, one lasting about 8 or 9 weeks when I was in Sixth Form (so right at the beginning of my headache), and another lasting months, and provided by the NHS, during my 2nd and 3rd years at university.
And oh wait, I'm not cured.

As for taking too many painkillers, that's a No Sh*t Sherlock situation. I have not been the most responsible with painkillers over my life time and they have usually been the first thing I reach for when my head hurts. I have pushed myself to resist, and today I did. for 4 hours. Until my headache got so unbearable I could barely walk straight and I thought I was going to pass out and/or vomit from the pain.
3 hours later, the headache is marginally better. I still feel hugely nauseous and faint.

Going cold turkey from painkillers is not mission impossible, but it is mission un-bloody-likely. Not when you've had 7 years of pain already and whilst you can cope with the day to day dull ache that NEVER.GOES.AWAY, the blinding nausea-inducing headaches are not going to go away unless you go to sleep then and there. And when you are trying to make a living and get on with your life, that's not going to happen.

The neurologist in The Telegraph article recommends that coming off the painkillers should be done in consultation with your GP about preventative medication.
Ohhh! Why haven't I tried that??

Oh wait yeah. Years number 3 and 4 of headache. Silly me.

So essentially, this new "official advice" proffered up today to us poor headache sufferers (of which there are 1 million of us with medication overuse headaches, and a further 1.5 million with tension headaches - so which group do I wallow with I if I have a Chronic Tension headache possibly caused by medication overuse and/or tension?) is nothing I haven't heard before.
Oh except that tension headaches are difficult to treat.

No wait, I knew that one too.

**

Do I walk around with haunted eyes?
Do you see the pain that resides
Behind them?

The stabbing, the scraping, the hot poker iron.
The hammer, or mallet, the roar like a lion
When it throbs, and it pounds, and whirls me around
The world of pain.
Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.

Oh So Tired of Being Sick

I am off work today. I'm not dying of flu, or a stomach bug. I am in pain from my head. Yesterday was the closest I have come in the 6 years I have had this headache of doing something stupid with my life.
For the last week my head has been worse than it's been in years. They are wearing me down.

But yesterday was AGONY. Pure, hot, agony. I took 2 Ibuprofen but they only took the edge off it, they didn't get rid of it, I had a massage in my lunch break and that made my headache worse. I wasn't doing anything different, just working like usual and the pain just kept increasing and increasing. The last time my head hurt so much as when I went swimming in 1st year of university and I thought my head was going to explode it hurt so bad. Yesterday was like that, but worse, and on dry land.

It is in fact been bad since I woke up today too, but I have done some yoga, and relaxed, and it hasn't gotten as bad as it did yesterday - at least not yet.
So I'm kicking back, drinking water and orange juice, and sniffing a whole lot of Olbas Oil (this sudden increase in pain is most likely a result of a cold, and possible sinus problems, so I'm about to spend half an hour under a towel with a bowl of boiling water to clear some stuff out.)

What irks me is that I can't seem to do anything to get past it anymore. It's there, all the time, it always has been, but it is stopping me from living. I had to cancel on my friend twice this week because my head was so bad. Now I've had to take a day off to try and get it under control. It's not on. I'm torn between accepting the pain and waging war, but I can't see how either action will bring about a happy ending.

Hmph. Time for the steam bath.

At War with my Head

Life got in the way of me posting on this blog. But telling a colleague today about everything I've done to try and cure myself made me realise that I need to get this all down. I need to help other people. I need for my own sake to document the pain and the problems.

I've been trying to keep a headache diary for the last few weeks to help identify any triggers. I haven't done a headache diary for many years and I remembered why once I started doing this one: they are impossible to keep track of. Well, not impossible, but the only way I could record every fluctuation is if I didn't work all day and literally sat at home waiting for them in order to write them down.

From what I've noted so far, triggers include: walking, the cold, sitting still, not eating, not drinking, eating and drinking, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough.

I am all for control, ok, but there is just no way I am going to be able to control all these things that I might see as triggers.

Not eating and drinking - ok, I'll just eat or drink something. Cue trigger from eating or drinking. And I am being way more careful or what I'm eating these days.
I can't not walk. I can't avoid the cold in this country. And my job requires me to sit still at a desk. I take regular breaks, but this doesn't seem to help.

I have a cold at the moment which really hasn't helped but I can't stop that either really. I think the massive pains I'm getting in my right temple and sinuses (and weirdly, stabbing pains in my left ear that feel like someone is ramming a screwdriver down into there) are related to my cold. But I'm trying to treat and there's not a lot else I can do.

I saw Dave Taylor at the weekend, and whilst he is a great chap and a fantastic masseuse, he's didn't make a huge amount of difference, and that's because I leave too long between sessions. I have time and money issues (I lack both). But I'm making a headache plan because I have waged war on my head.

Or at least I thought I had, until I re-read my last post, all those months ago, and looked at the thread I had linked. I think the biggest problem is facing up to the fact that I may well have this condition for the rest of my life. And it really is difficult to do that when every single day it makes you want to blow your brains out. Honestly, no matter how happy I am with my boyfriend, my job, my life in general, everyday I wish there were a way I could blow my brains out just to get rid of this headache. I was to inject poison into my veins so the blood vessels that might be constricted just melt away. I want to poke my finger in my ear and keep poking until I get to the muscles around my head and just pull them out. Gone, away.
I have never been so close to jumping in front of a train as I was yesterday.

And it sounds melodramatic, and I know that I could be SO much worse off. But at the same time, I live with this pain every day. If I didn't have enough to deal with, like finding my own feet in the world, negotiating a career in this job-poor country and trying to carve an identity for myself, I am constantly taunted and tortured by this pain.
It is wearing me down faster than it has been before. I used to be pretty strong. I'm getting to feel pretty weak.

But when you have to sit and work all day with stabbing pains coming from both sides of your head and an ache at the bottom of skull like it's going to fall off, you do start to question the hell the point of it all is.


I am trying very hard to focus on the positives. I am starting hypnotherapy this coming Saturday, so hopefully I will be able to blog about that. What I'm aiming for (and I think he is on the same page with me about this) are some self-hypnosis techniques I can use to relax myself. I'm notoriously bad at relaxing, everybody I know knows this. The guy I am seeing is Steve Cook. He seems really lovely and keen to help. Maybe he's already worked his hypnosis skills on me but I feel I can trust this guy. He has been on the level with me about what he can and cannot do, and I am looking forward to some positive results.


I'm hoping I can find a community for Chronic headache sufferers. As soon as I do, I'll post it on here.

Types

Sort. Variety. Species. Manner.

My types of headaches are all kinda different. I figured that this was the next port of call in explaining and conveying to you exactly what it is to have Chronic Daily Tension Headache. For myself, in any case.


1. Constant, dull ache: this is the 'base' headache, the headache I have every minute of every day. The headache I have had to get used to. I suppose if I have gotten used to it, it can't be that bad. And compared to what I get sometimes, it isn't. It's pretty self explanitory - I feel a dull ache constantly in my head. I usually feel it around my head like a band, but sometimes it intensifies and its a strong dull ache all around my head.

2. Throbbing: I suppose this is what most people would describe when they say they have a headache. Your head throbs, and feels as if it is pulsating on it's own. For me, this situates itself in the forehead and the temples, and I supposed this is typical of headache. When you see people complain of a headache, they tend to clutch their forehead and rub their temples.

3. Inside pressure: Often, doctors have asked if my headache feels like a band around my head. I think this is what most doctors think of as tension headaches. But just as I have my dull ache which does tend to feel like a band around my head, I also get a type of headache that feels like the pressure is coming from the inside, as if my brain is expanding and trying to escape.

4. Muscle headache: Again, I think this type of headache might be particularly symptomatic of having a "tension" headache. Since I developed my headache almost 5 and a half years ago, my neck and shoulder muscles have become more and more damaged. I feel as if my shoulders are bricks that I carry - I don't think my shoulders have been completely loose for a very long time. Every masseuse I see comments on how big my knots are, but they never quite get rid of them. In an hour session there is only so much they can do. But I think a headache has developed from this muscle tension. I feel the tension in my neck and shoulders everyday, but some days it feels worse. And I feel a headache creeping all the way up from the base of my neck. This kind of headache makes me feel more positive, however, because if I can solve the muscle tension problem properly, I could certainly have an impact on my headache. It's just that I don't have the money (or sometimes the time) to have a massage once a week, or even once a month. I'll talk about therapies I've tried in another blog, and this includes several type of massage.

5. Stabby pains: I get stabbing pains in various places, and it's usually in addition to have a throbbing, or to having simply a dull ache. But often, if I have a dull ache and a stabbing pain on top of it, it leads to a throbbing pain or an inside pressure. I usually get stabbing pains behind the eyes, or just beside in the temples, but I have had them at the base of my neck and right at the back of my head.

6. Migraine - Migraine is in itself a whole other type of headache to Tension headache, but I thought I'd mention it in here anyway. I have had a few migraines in the past, and sometimes the headaches I get (usually throbbing) can feel like a migraine. My original diagnosis was Migraine/Tension headache. I have migraine medication to take in the event of a migraine.



As I write this, I continue a battle that has been raging for a number of hours, a headache which fits into two categories in a way. My head feels like it has a tight band around it, but also it aches from the base of my neck. I took two paracetamol earlier, but it didn't do anything, and I have had to have a nap to get rid of the feelings of fatigue that were beginning to come along with it. Sometimes having a headache can really drain me. The one thing that I don't seem to realise, is that having a constant headache really bothers me. It really upsets me. When I sit down and take stock, like today I said to someone that now I have had this for 5 years and 5 months, that's when I realise, that's when it hits me, and I get upset. I mean, what am I meant to do? What can I do that I know will work? I feel like all this information is at my fingertips, but these days I am not willing to try things and see if they work. I don't want anymore trial and error, I just want it to work. And when my headache has a good period, I forget about trying to cure it, I just get on with it. In all honesty, I do just get on with it. Maybe that's what's wrong.