Amitrip-down memory lane

I'm back on medication for my headache.


I haven't been on prescription medication of any sort for my headache for 3 years or more. The only regular medication I was taking was painkillers, Paracetamol mainly because years of abusing Ibuprofen had led to a sort of immunity to it. I'd gone back to it recently, since sometimes all the body needs is a break.  

But that abuse of pain killers could have been the root cause of my headache. Medication overuse. My body just stopped responding to all the painkillers I was chucking down my throat. Or just stopped responding in the right way.

I have tried to go cold turkey, but it's hard. Whilst I would never classify it as an addiction, it works in a similar way. When my body notices a withdrawal, it suffers. Like a caffeine lover, not having your morning latte can give you a headache. It's a rebound headache. And it's dependence. 

And quite frankly, I really can't be depending on anyone or anything other than myself. Friends, family, medical practitioners, I can't depend on them to get rid of my headache. Not unless I can depend on myself to fight the good fight against it.  

Knowing that I could have caused one element of this headache is painful. It brings up sad, bad memories. It's hard to think that there were times that I could only cope if I took painkillers. And it crushes my soul slightly to realise that actually when I take painkillers to cope with my headache, it's the same solution.  

So, no more. I have a battle plan, and this is part of it. 

Yes I have mental issues that could be contributing to my headache.
Yes, I'm sure as hell struggling because all my muscles are knots and that causes my headache too. 

But one size does not fit all, and the painkillers I've been taking are only one size. And that size is too small for me. 

So I'm back on a medication that I first took in 2008. It's called Amitriptyline, and it's an anti-depressant. But in taking 10mg once a day, I'm actually on it to help treat chronic pain, and prevent pain that could be caused by the rebound headaches. This way - whilst maybe not the best way - I can get off painkillers and I can break that cycle.  

And it's not the easiest way either. Looking back at the hospital notes from 2008, I struggled with sedation and a dry mouth on this drug. By the end of the 6-month period, I was on 30mg a day, three times what I'm on now. And I've only been on it 9 days, and the same side effects are back. I am so tired! Often, I just feel foggy. Yesterday I felt so spaced out and sedated I had to grab a can of coke.

Not a clever move, my head said. Here, feel the consequences!!

The pain that emerged as I dredged the can of remaining caffeine-filled drops was unpleasant, obviously. But actually, I was grateful. Because if I wasn't on the meds, I wouldn't have noticed the effect coke had on my head like that. Usually my head is so rooted in pain already that it doesn't affect it in the slightest. This I would gloriously cry as I washed down all the meals of the day with it. "It makes no difference to my head!" I would shout triumphantly. 

And granted, when I cut it out for 3 months in 2006, my headache persisted, so I was pleased that my favourite fizzy drink wasn't the culprit. And neither was chocolate. Chocolate, by the way, continues to make no difference. I should know - I consumed a whole bag of Wispa bites today.  

The sedation should settle soon: it can take about 4 weeks for the side effects to settle down when you start a new medication, sometimes longer. And I have only been given a month’s supply, so I will be returning to the GP at the beginning of July to discuss where we go from here. I have really noticed a difference in the last 9 days – so much so that only 4 days in, I actually noticed that my head was bad for the whole day, when I’d only been bothered by it in the evenings.

So we shall see. I see this not as a failure. Resorting to medication to get off…medication. It just has to be done. I need to break the cycle. I need to eliminate this aspect of my headache, so I can focus on the other aspects: the tension muscular and emotional; the health physical and mental.

The biggest difference between me now, and me a year ago, my Hypnotherapist said, was my attitude. I’m taking control. I’m not a victim anymore. This headache doesn’t own me. And I’ll fight tooth and nail until I own it.