Deserving

At the first consultation of a new treatment Tuesday, after turning me into a human pin-cushion and hearing my life story, the acupuncturist said he didn't believe there was anything psychological to my headache. The solid mass that pretends to be my muscles gives him the hint that it's physiological. 

But at last weekend's hypnotherapy session I was asked about focusing on why my headache started. I spoke about how I often feel that I did something to cause this headache. The medication overuse, stress and anxiety, going on too many roller coasters. 

When you walk into a room for a Chiropractic appointment with someone who is not your usual chiropractor and they say that you're giving yourself mini-whiplash every time you flick your fringe out of your eyes and that's probably the cause of all your problems, you're inclined to believe them. They are the expert after all.

Except I didn't have a fringe when my headache started. Sure my mini-whiplash probably doesn't help, but it didn't cause my headache in the first place.

And the cause, the why my headache started, is likely to always be a mystery. Yes it could have been the stress of moving schools. Yes it could have been the roller coasters. 

Yes it could have been the medication overuse. And whilst I know that biologically medication overuse comes from taking pain killers too often, and not from huge quantities in one sitting, there is part of me that will always think I am to blame for this headache because of the things I have done, and because of the pain I have caused. It's karma. Except I can't cross it off a list like Earl. 

Trance on Saturday focused on emotions, and how they can cause pain. And how pain can manifest itself as an emotion. 

When I try to describe how my headache makes me feel, it's along the lines of frustrated, powerless. When I try to describe how my headache feels, if it were emotion, it would usually be anger. An anger that assaults my muscles, my skeleton, my senses, my organs. An anger that courses its way through my veins, pools in the temples, strikes behind the eyes, lies at the base of my skull, coiled like a snake waiting to spot its prey. 

When treatments don't work, I usually think it's because I haven't tried hard enough to make it work. When my head gets worse it is easy to point to the things I'm doing wrong, and not the things I'm doing right. The eating pastries as a snack, not the 2 litres of water I drink every day. The times I sit on my Xbox for hours not the runs I go for, the walking I do or the daily stretches. 

We only have one life, and sometimes it can be too short. I need to let go of this feeling that I did something in this life or lives past that mean I deserve this pain. I need to focus on making the best of the life I have, and make sure that I get the right balance to enjoy the life I deserve. 

Chiropractic sessions

At my first Chiropractic session, my practitioner started by beginning to address the muscle imbalance in my body, i.e. all the knots, tightness and weak spots.

Starting on my front, he inserted an acupuncture needle into each shoulder, towards the end of the shoulder, at the apex of my arm, in places where he could find the sorest knot (and he had plenty of knots to choose from).
Acupuncture needles are used to stimulate groups of muscles or knots to move, to release into the correct position.
When he was locating a knot to place the acupuncture needle into, the knot on my right shoulder was very sore to the touch. But when the needles were inserted, and left to do their work, it was the left shoulder that began to ache around the needle. Which is just the reaction we're looking for, my practitioner said.

Whilst these needles were doing their magic, he also used a Tens machine on the rest of my back, placing four paddles in a rectangular shape (from what i could feel) from in line with my armpits to lower down on my ribs. The Tens machine itself made a lot of noise, a bit like a vaccum, but I've used a Tens machine before (when I was a kid, and played around with my mum's) so I knew what to expect. At first the machine was programmed to gradually increase the strength of a pins and needles type sensation through the paddle, and then it oscillated across the paddles in waves, diagonally from lower to upper, and across and then down again.

After the Tens machine had been turned off, and the acupuncture needles removed, he massaged my shoulder area, to "increase the muscle tone" I think he said. After some massage, he placed a towel over my shoulders, and made an adjustment to my back. An adjustment being cracking a joint that needed cracking. Ok, that is the simple way of putting it. I took a deep breath in, and when I exhaled, he adjusted my back.
Craaack.
Ahhh.

Turning onto my back, he made some adjustments to my neck. He turns my head gently, and then makes a little "impulse", which is a quick turn to that side, designed to help make adjustments. He said it doesn't always crack, because the joints don't always need to crack, but the impulses are designed to make the joints move. He did an impulse on a joint on my left side of my neck, and then on the right, and then when he went back to my left side, to a different joint.
Craaaaaaack-craaack-craaack.
Owwwwww.

It hurt a lot more, as I commented to him, than when I crack my neck. But that is because he actually cracked a joint that was stiff, and needed cracking.

Then he used his fingers hold specific areas under my skull.  I have learned that this is the "suboccipital" area, named so because it is below the "occipitus" area.
Whoever knew this would be educational as well?

As I lay there and surrendered to the pressure of his fingers, the right side began to get very sore. I lay there for a while, thinking I could put up with it, but eventually I told him, and he released some of the pressure. Ahh, I relaxed.
He repeated that for normal people, the initial pressure is quite intense, and then it tends to dissipate. Whereas mine just got worse on the right side, and did nothing on the left.
But it was when he took his fingers away, that the muscles reacted so strangely, and the sharp pain that radiated in that area made me cry out.
Argh!

"All I did was take my fingers away!"
"I knoww, but it hurt!"


Something tells me this is going to take a while...

***

Session 2 - see above, but less pain. Except for when the Tens Machine was duly making the muscles work, and the area in the left shoulder with the acupuncture needle started aching a hell of a lot, and the pain started spreading up my neck and into my head.


***

Session 3 - see Session 2, but less pain spreading up my neck whilst the Tens Machine worked with the acupuncture needle.

He also taught me how to do a "scapular retraction". Which is a fancy term for squeezing my shoulder blades together.

***
 Session 4 - see sessions 2 & 3 except this time, agony. At first, the left shoulder area had a few sharp twinges shortly after he had set the Tens machine up. He turned down the intensity, which helped hugely. But then my right started hurting, sharp stabbing pains inside my shoulder, and the left one joined in, and I almost cried. The pain seemed to come from inside my muscle and around the needle and began to spread up my neck. Oh the relief when he turned the machine off and took the needles out, especially the left one.

***

P.S Scapular retractions hurt. He said he is not surprised it hurts when I do them, but the important thing is that I keep doing them. If I didn't think this would help, I would take the same view of eating meat - I don't like it, therefore why should I do it?

***

Session 5 - no bad pain this time, hooray! Lying on my back, with his fingers on pressure points at the base of my skull, the intensity I felt at the pressure point on my right lessened. This, as my chiropractor has said before, is what happens to normal people with this treatment. I let him know how it was feeling, and how I relaxed I felt.
And right on cue, it reacted and as he took his fingers I yelped in pain.
Typical.

***

Sessions 6 & 7 - no pain, just relaxation

***

I now have a week without seeing my chiropractor, as he is away skiing. He says that we shall see how my head neck and back cope without what has up until now been a weekly session, and see if we need to continue having sessions weekly, or if we can have sessions fortnightly and then continue to space them out.

My First Second Opinion

This is the first time in the history of my headache that I haven't plunged straight in with a new treatment with the first practitioner I've seen.

Today I had my second opinion from a chiropractor at Chiltern Health Centre in Sutton. And he said some similar, and some different things.

For a start, he didn't take any x-rays, but he looked at a neck x-ray I had left with the hypnotherapist at the clinic when I first started seeing him in January. Which lasted on two sessions before I had to start working on Saturdays and didn't manage to go back.
This neck x-ray is 4 years old, and I have had my car crash since then, but he still did the routine testing of the joints and when he compared what he felt to the x-ray, he said there wasn't much difference. This x-ray showed my neck is quite straight.
Well, at least it's not backwards.

Of course there were the usual 'oofs' and 'oohs' from me when he touched sensitive spots. And there was the usual "what the..." when he touched my shoulders and felt how rock solid they are (and not in a good rock solid muscle way. In a bad they-aren't-moving-not-because-I'm beefy-but-because-they're-broken way.

He took my medical history, during which I jumped all over the place - MRIs, drugs, Osteopathy, hypnotherapy, this year, that year.
He was glad to hear I wasn't hurt in the car crash, but seemed amused that I'd gotten acquainted with a ditch.

I got changed into a gown that had velcro up the back and he moved my head around and felt my neck joints. He lay me on a moving bed (well I stood on a foot plate against the vertical bed, then the whole thing moved backwards until horizontal) and he felt around the top of my neck. He pushed his fingers in the same places, like hooking his fingers under my skull. I do it to alleviate pain, and that's the same place I'm always rubbing. After a while he said the intensity should be ebbing away, and I said no, it's getting more intense on the right side. "Ah", he said. "You're not normal."

So after establishing that my shoulders are rock solid and I'm not normal because the intensity got worse... he said something that I have known for a while, and that the other chiropractor didn't really touch on: that the muscles and spine are connected, and neither one are letting the other do their job properly. My muscles in particular are baddies in this scenario, because as they get tighter, they pull the joints into the wrong position, and that's where they get stuck, and the other joints have to compensate.

I'm very aware my posture isn't bad, so really it's no news to me that I stick my head out and I'm rounding my back. Everything this guy said was matter of fact, no nonsense.
And the best (and worst) thing he said? Was that he doesn't know if this will make me better, and therefore he doesn't know how long it will take.

I have had so many people promise me I'll only need so many sessions, and I'm still going back after a year. When someone says to me "You'll be good as new in 10 sessions" I think "so I'll still be the same in 20 sessions". It's pessimistic, I know, but I have had so many false hopes.

This chiropractor recognises that both the joints and spine, and the muscle balance need to be addresses, simultaneously.  And he said he'd use various different methods to do that when treating me, such as acupuncture and Tens machine, etc.

But, none of this will work, without my commitment.

And it has taken me this long but I realise now that no wonder the other treatments don't work - one hour, here and there, won't fix me, if I don't carry on treating myself at home.
I'm not talking learning how to adjust my own back. I'm talking stretches, exercise, hydration, healthy eating. I'm talking building up my muscle strength and making sure my muscles are strong enough to keep my spine healthy.

This is a way of life, I'm committing to. I'm not just having yet another treatment. I'm learning to heal myself, any way I can.
The question is, am I ready to commit?



Oh, and he told me to stop cracking my neck and back. Dammit.

My Back Aches

One of the few alternative therapies I have never tried over the course of the last 7 years is Chiropractic treatment. It has often been suggested to me, but I have tried almost everything else.

So a few months ago when I was walking through the Epsom shopping mall I jumped at the chance for a quick and free back check. I then signed up for a full consultation, which only cost me £50, including any x-rays required.

The place I went to is called ProBack, and I saw a Dr. Christian Allard.
The first time I went he explained how a back should look, and then he caused me pain by making me touch my toes and try to bend into various difficult positions. He checked my posture, he looked at my neck. He took a general medical history too.
He said he thought it was my brain stem causing the soreness I always feel and also causing my headache. Did you know the brain stem is the first thing in a person to develop? Dr. Allard also decided I needed x-rays.

I had to wait quite a few weeks for my x-rays at the clinic, because it was waiting for a part from America in order to make it work. But I got the results literally 10 minutes after the x-rays were done.

Dr. Allard asked me if I was sure I hadn't been dropped as a baby or been in a car accident. My thoracic vertebrae looks good, my lumbar are a bit out but really only because my neck curve is reversed.
Yes. You read that right.
My neck curve is reversed. I think this roughly translates into my neck is backwards.
My cervical curve is the wrong way, and he thinks that is causing my headache and a lot of my pain.
Yay.
There's also a big gap between my first vertebrae and spine on my right-hand side, which accounts for the loss of sensation. (In my first appointment, he moved a feather down my hands and feet to see if I could feel it. I could barely feel anything on my right hand side.)

So some permanent nerve damage, but not completely untreatable.
I do, however, have the back of a 40-year-old.

So what is the solution, according to Dr. Allard and ProBack.

ProBack use a particular machine to treat back problems, called the ProBack Pulse. Rather than the usual back cracking you might associate with chiropractors, ProBack practitioners do not work on that basis. The Pulse machine works to record the health of your spine, one vertebrae at a time, and then uses vibration to loosen the tension and reposition vertebrae to make it better. I'm not going to lie, it sounds like a taser. But it does not hurt at all, and it does make you feel looser, but for me it did not eradicate any pain.
If I want to treat my back effectively, and get it back to full health, Dr. Allard recommends 3 sets of 12 treatments. The first 12 are done in quick succession - 3x a week for 4 weeks, or 4x a week for 3 weeks. The next 12 are done twice weekly, for 6 weeks. Then once a week for 12 weeks. So you are looking at up 22 weeks.
And each treatment is £40. There is a payment plan available, but you do the math.

Cost never used to be an issue for me with treatments for my head. But because I have tried so many, and been let down so often, this is quite an expensive gamble. There is no guarantee this will cure my headache, although it is guaranteed to make me taller by improving my posture.

The theory is that I have a headache because my back and shoulders and neck are bad, and my back, shoulders and neck are bad because I have a headache. Vicious cycle.

Could Dr. Allard, and ProBack finally be the cure?
I'll kick myself if it is and it's taken me 7 years to get here!

But I am going to get a second opinion first. Much as I trust them, and they have given me no reason to think they are lying (and I saw the x-rays, my neck is the wrong way!), I want to be sure I am going to get a result for my money.

So watch this space, and I'll let you know whether Dr. Christian Allard saves the day.

Funnily enough, the way I've sat to write this blog, has made my back hurt :(