It's a wonder I've kept hold of my sanity, though when I think about it nearly 9 years of pain must have had some effect on my mental abilities too, not just my mental health.
I got through my A-Levels with this brand new, confusing headache. I studied for my degree with an ever-increasing feeling of despair, and disbelief, and graduated with a 1st.
I've been working for 4 years, and still I can get through a normal working day, sometimes a lengthier than normal day, with this head.
But sometimes, I stare at the screen, and the light burns my eyes. Sometimes the noises in the office, of phones and talking, is hard to bare.
Sometimes I wonder how the hell I manage to do anything when it feels like someone is drilling from the inside of my head outwards.
Sometimes it's all I can manage not to cry and admit defeat and just drop my head on my desk and do nothing.
And that's usually when I swallow the pills.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Friday, 4 July 2014
Friday, 5 October 2012
Aftermath
Today, I visited the dark world I rarely inhabit - only this time, I was at work.
As I sat there trying desperately to ignore the growing pain, all I could think was that I had so much work to do.
Because migraines, they stop you doing anything. They sap all your energy. They stop your thoughts from making any sense.
"I don't live in Sutton, I live in England", came out of my mouth today during this delirium.
As well as saying "I'm so high" when I got dizzy. I meant high as in tall. Which I'm definitely not.
But whilst the migraine stops you, nothing else stops. The world keeps turning. Work carries on. But without you, despite your best efforts.
I wanted desperately to stay. I had things to do.
But when you have to go and lie down in a medical room with a pillow over your face, there's not all that much you can get done at work.
I'm fed up. I can't remember the last time I felt well. I'm 23, I want to make the most of my life! I want to be able to work to my full potential, socialise and have fun. I don't want to go home to bed every night feeling drained because my head has not stopped hurting.
I don't get why I've had two migraine attacks in such a short period of time. I have only really had a few before, maybe one a year on average.
The worst thing is I will probably never discover why. I can see doctors, osteopaths, chiropractors and even hypnotherapists.
But what can they do? Crack my back and make me forget it ever happened?
I just want it to stop hurting. 10 hours later and I'm still struggling with bright light, and loud noises, and the pain in my head that comes and goes like waves.
I would like to wave goodbye to it please. Pretty please. With an aspirin on top.
As I sat there trying desperately to ignore the growing pain, all I could think was that I had so much work to do.
Because migraines, they stop you doing anything. They sap all your energy. They stop your thoughts from making any sense.
"I don't live in Sutton, I live in England", came out of my mouth today during this delirium.
As well as saying "I'm so high" when I got dizzy. I meant high as in tall. Which I'm definitely not.
But whilst the migraine stops you, nothing else stops. The world keeps turning. Work carries on. But without you, despite your best efforts.
I wanted desperately to stay. I had things to do.
But when you have to go and lie down in a medical room with a pillow over your face, there's not all that much you can get done at work.
I'm fed up. I can't remember the last time I felt well. I'm 23, I want to make the most of my life! I want to be able to work to my full potential, socialise and have fun. I don't want to go home to bed every night feeling drained because my head has not stopped hurting.
I don't get why I've had two migraine attacks in such a short period of time. I have only really had a few before, maybe one a year on average.
The worst thing is I will probably never discover why. I can see doctors, osteopaths, chiropractors and even hypnotherapists.
But what can they do? Crack my back and make me forget it ever happened?
I just want it to stop hurting. 10 hours later and I'm still struggling with bright light, and loud noises, and the pain in my head that comes and goes like waves.
I would like to wave goodbye to it please. Pretty please. With an aspirin on top.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Oh So Tired of Being Sick
I am off work today. I'm not dying of flu, or a stomach bug. I am in pain from my head. Yesterday was the closest I have come in the 6 years I have had this headache of doing something stupid with my life.
For the last week my head has been worse than it's been in years. They are wearing me down.
But yesterday was AGONY. Pure, hot, agony. I took 2 Ibuprofen but they only took the edge off it, they didn't get rid of it, I had a massage in my lunch break and that made my headache worse. I wasn't doing anything different, just working like usual and the pain just kept increasing and increasing. The last time my head hurt so much as when I went swimming in 1st year of university and I thought my head was going to explode it hurt so bad. Yesterday was like that, but worse, and on dry land.
It is in fact been bad since I woke up today too, but I have done some yoga, and relaxed, and it hasn't gotten as bad as it did yesterday - at least not yet.
So I'm kicking back, drinking water and orange juice, and sniffing a whole lot of Olbas Oil (this sudden increase in pain is most likely a result of a cold, and possible sinus problems, so I'm about to spend half an hour under a towel with a bowl of boiling water to clear some stuff out.)
What irks me is that I can't seem to do anything to get past it anymore. It's there, all the time, it always has been, but it is stopping me from living. I had to cancel on my friend twice this week because my head was so bad. Now I've had to take a day off to try and get it under control. It's not on. I'm torn between accepting the pain and waging war, but I can't see how either action will bring about a happy ending.
Hmph. Time for the steam bath.
For the last week my head has been worse than it's been in years. They are wearing me down.
But yesterday was AGONY. Pure, hot, agony. I took 2 Ibuprofen but they only took the edge off it, they didn't get rid of it, I had a massage in my lunch break and that made my headache worse. I wasn't doing anything different, just working like usual and the pain just kept increasing and increasing. The last time my head hurt so much as when I went swimming in 1st year of university and I thought my head was going to explode it hurt so bad. Yesterday was like that, but worse, and on dry land.
It is in fact been bad since I woke up today too, but I have done some yoga, and relaxed, and it hasn't gotten as bad as it did yesterday - at least not yet.
So I'm kicking back, drinking water and orange juice, and sniffing a whole lot of Olbas Oil (this sudden increase in pain is most likely a result of a cold, and possible sinus problems, so I'm about to spend half an hour under a towel with a bowl of boiling water to clear some stuff out.)
What irks me is that I can't seem to do anything to get past it anymore. It's there, all the time, it always has been, but it is stopping me from living. I had to cancel on my friend twice this week because my head was so bad. Now I've had to take a day off to try and get it under control. It's not on. I'm torn between accepting the pain and waging war, but I can't see how either action will bring about a happy ending.
Hmph. Time for the steam bath.
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