My Back Aches

One of the few alternative therapies I have never tried over the course of the last 7 years is Chiropractic treatment. It has often been suggested to me, but I have tried almost everything else.

So a few months ago when I was walking through the Epsom shopping mall I jumped at the chance for a quick and free back check. I then signed up for a full consultation, which only cost me £50, including any x-rays required.

The place I went to is called ProBack, and I saw a Dr. Christian Allard.
The first time I went he explained how a back should look, and then he caused me pain by making me touch my toes and try to bend into various difficult positions. He checked my posture, he looked at my neck. He took a general medical history too.
He said he thought it was my brain stem causing the soreness I always feel and also causing my headache. Did you know the brain stem is the first thing in a person to develop? Dr. Allard also decided I needed x-rays.

I had to wait quite a few weeks for my x-rays at the clinic, because it was waiting for a part from America in order to make it work. But I got the results literally 10 minutes after the x-rays were done.

Dr. Allard asked me if I was sure I hadn't been dropped as a baby or been in a car accident. My thoracic vertebrae looks good, my lumbar are a bit out but really only because my neck curve is reversed.
Yes. You read that right.
My neck curve is reversed. I think this roughly translates into my neck is backwards.
My cervical curve is the wrong way, and he thinks that is causing my headache and a lot of my pain.
Yay.
There's also a big gap between my first vertebrae and spine on my right-hand side, which accounts for the loss of sensation. (In my first appointment, he moved a feather down my hands and feet to see if I could feel it. I could barely feel anything on my right hand side.)

So some permanent nerve damage, but not completely untreatable.
I do, however, have the back of a 40-year-old.

So what is the solution, according to Dr. Allard and ProBack.

ProBack use a particular machine to treat back problems, called the ProBack Pulse. Rather than the usual back cracking you might associate with chiropractors, ProBack practitioners do not work on that basis. The Pulse machine works to record the health of your spine, one vertebrae at a time, and then uses vibration to loosen the tension and reposition vertebrae to make it better. I'm not going to lie, it sounds like a taser. But it does not hurt at all, and it does make you feel looser, but for me it did not eradicate any pain.
If I want to treat my back effectively, and get it back to full health, Dr. Allard recommends 3 sets of 12 treatments. The first 12 are done in quick succession - 3x a week for 4 weeks, or 4x a week for 3 weeks. The next 12 are done twice weekly, for 6 weeks. Then once a week for 12 weeks. So you are looking at up 22 weeks.
And each treatment is £40. There is a payment plan available, but you do the math.

Cost never used to be an issue for me with treatments for my head. But because I have tried so many, and been let down so often, this is quite an expensive gamble. There is no guarantee this will cure my headache, although it is guaranteed to make me taller by improving my posture.

The theory is that I have a headache because my back and shoulders and neck are bad, and my back, shoulders and neck are bad because I have a headache. Vicious cycle.

Could Dr. Allard, and ProBack finally be the cure?
I'll kick myself if it is and it's taken me 7 years to get here!

But I am going to get a second opinion first. Much as I trust them, and they have given me no reason to think they are lying (and I saw the x-rays, my neck is the wrong way!), I want to be sure I am going to get a result for my money.

So watch this space, and I'll let you know whether Dr. Christian Allard saves the day.

Funnily enough, the way I've sat to write this blog, has made my back hurt :(

Aftermath

Today, I visited the dark world I rarely inhabit - only this time, I was at work.

As I sat there trying desperately to ignore the growing pain, all I could think was that I had so much work to do.

Because migraines, they stop you doing anything. They sap all your energy. They stop your thoughts from making any sense.
"I don't live in Sutton, I live in England", came out of my mouth today during this delirium.
As well as saying "I'm so high" when I got dizzy. I meant high as in tall. Which I'm definitely not.

But whilst the migraine stops you, nothing else stops. The world keeps turning. Work carries on. But without you, despite your best efforts.

I wanted desperately to stay. I had things to do.
But when you have to go and lie down in a medical room with a pillow over your face, there's not all that much you can get done at work.

I'm fed up. I can't remember the last time I felt well. I'm 23, I want to make the most of my life! I want to be able to work to my full potential, socialise and have fun. I don't want to go home to bed every night feeling drained because my head has not stopped hurting.

I don't get why I've had two migraine attacks in such a short period of time. I have only really had a few before, maybe one a year on average.
The worst thing is I will probably never discover why. I can see doctors, osteopaths, chiropractors and even hypnotherapists.
But what can they do? Crack my back and make me forget it ever happened?

I just want it to stop hurting. 10 hours later and I'm still struggling with bright light, and loud noises, and the pain in my head that comes and goes like waves.

I would like to wave goodbye to it please. Pretty please. With an aspirin on top.

A World of Pain

I am writing this blog from a dark place that I do not visit regularly, or stay in long.
But when I leave, the door to this dark place is always open. Always ready to receive me. Always happy to welcome me into its unrelenting and tortuous arms.

Because the pain that leads to this dark place never stops. It never goes away. I can never turn my back on it, because it is always there. It is such a part of me that I think the only way it will end, is when I do.

I'm stronger than I used to be about it. I am able to write this blog. I have been able to work, and commute home from work, and when I got in I fed the cats. I have been able to take off my jewellery and get into my pyjamas.

But this pain systematically claws at this strength I cling to, looking for the weak spots.

And when it finds them, I end up collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out, but afraid to move because every turn of my head results in more agony.

I heard on the radio this morning, that Nice have issued official advice for headache sufferers, which include Acupuncture for tension headaches, and not taking painkillers. My nan even cut out the article from The Telegraph for me.

This is something I already knew. Medication overuse is one of the vague reasons given to me for my 7 year itch headache. That, as well as psychological problems and anxiety about joining Sixth Form, riding too many rollercoasters in Florida, drinking Coca-Cola and eating chocolate. One of my GPs actually suggested that maybe when my parent's divorce had finally been settled, my headaches would get better.
Yes, the divorce they started LAST YEAR. 6 years into this pain.

So, for those suggesting that my Chronic Daily Tension Headache could be treated with Acupuncture, may I inform I have had 2 courses of Acupuncture, one lasting about 8 or 9 weeks when I was in Sixth Form (so right at the beginning of my headache), and another lasting months, and provided by the NHS, during my 2nd and 3rd years at university.
And oh wait, I'm not cured.

As for taking too many painkillers, that's a No Sh*t Sherlock situation. I have not been the most responsible with painkillers over my life time and they have usually been the first thing I reach for when my head hurts. I have pushed myself to resist, and today I did. for 4 hours. Until my headache got so unbearable I could barely walk straight and I thought I was going to pass out and/or vomit from the pain.
3 hours later, the headache is marginally better. I still feel hugely nauseous and faint.

Going cold turkey from painkillers is not mission impossible, but it is mission un-bloody-likely. Not when you've had 7 years of pain already and whilst you can cope with the day to day dull ache that NEVER.GOES.AWAY, the blinding nausea-inducing headaches are not going to go away unless you go to sleep then and there. And when you are trying to make a living and get on with your life, that's not going to happen.

The neurologist in The Telegraph article recommends that coming off the painkillers should be done in consultation with your GP about preventative medication.
Ohhh! Why haven't I tried that??

Oh wait yeah. Years number 3 and 4 of headache. Silly me.

So essentially, this new "official advice" proffered up today to us poor headache sufferers (of which there are 1 million of us with medication overuse headaches, and a further 1.5 million with tension headaches - so which group do I wallow with I if I have a Chronic Tension headache possibly caused by medication overuse and/or tension?) is nothing I haven't heard before.
Oh except that tension headaches are difficult to treat.

No wait, I knew that one too.

**

Do I walk around with haunted eyes?
Do you see the pain that resides
Behind them?

The stabbing, the scraping, the hot poker iron.
The hammer, or mallet, the roar like a lion
When it throbs, and it pounds, and whirls me around
The world of pain.
Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.

Action Week

Ages ago, I decided that doing several things in one go to target my headache would be a useful experiment.

So in the last 5 days, I've had my own little headache action week.

Last Thursday, I had a 2 hour sports massage. It was brutal at times, but I wanted to start loosening my knots, in order to help the Botox, that I had booked in for Saturday, to work.
I still felt pretty knotted up afterwards, but it did help. I came home and did a hypnotherapy relaxation session from CD as soon as I got back. I wanted to help my muscles relax as much as possible.

On Saturday I had Botox treatment. The first time I had Botox for my headache, it helped somewhat, but that was 6 months ago now. I saw a different doctor this time, at a different clinic, and I have a review session in 2 weeks. This doctor explained the muscles in my head, and why he'd put the Botox in the particular places. When he showed me which muscles he'd be injecting, they started to hurt more in anticipation (or a last offensive attack?) The doctor was jovial, and I can't wait to go back haha!

I did another hypnotherapy relaxation session over the weekend too. I get fidgety, it's hard to stay still for so long. But it does make me feel quite relaxed.

Today, I had a good Raynor massage from Dave Taylor. We get on very well, and he knows my body very well too. When he finished, I lay there in headache-free bliss for a few moments.
Today is the first day that the Botox starts getting to work (3 days after treatment, 14 days maximum it takes to work), and my headache pain has been minimal. It has barely spiked above a 5 today, and has rested mostly at a 2 or 3! Walking around made it worse at times, and some of the pain has probably come from dehydration. But mostly the worse pains I've felt today have been muscular. So that's something!

I just wish I had the time, and the money, to have more regular treatments.

Maybe now is the time to start Yoga again, while my head has a chance.

Hypnotherapy: The Beginning

Yesterday I had my first Hypnotherapy session with Steve Cook at the Chiltern Health Centre.
It lasted 1 hour, and I did a lot of crying. More than I was expecting to do, as I wasn't expecting to cry at all. Which is funny, because pretty much everyday this week I have cried because of my headache, so why shouldn't I cry in a session about my headache?!

Steve took the opportunity to teach me EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique. It uses tapping of certain points on the face and body to relax and help certain ideas sink in. I think. That's how I see it anyway. It works better when someone else does it to you when you're trying to relax and calm down a headache, because when you do it to yourself you're constantly thinking of the points and which one's next, so you don't really concentrate on the issue you're facing. But I have found it relaxing. I have taken a photo of the help sheet I have been given that indicate the points and their order. You start by tapping on your hand while giving the pain submodalities and telling yourself that you "deeply and completely accept [yourself]".



So I am hoping that this technique will be the start to learning to control my headache. But the thing about this EFT was that it brought up a lot of psychological issues. Consultants have previously thought that my headache was caused by some inner pain I have. But £80 sessions at the Priory didn't help solve that, or at least I'm assuming it didn't because I still have the headache. But regardless of whether it was caused by inner pain and psychological problems, this headache has certainly caused some of it's own. I feel like this headache will never leave me. I am on the verge of giving up, In fact, if it wasn't for the fact the headache has been worse this past week, I would have seen this Hypnotherapy as just another thing to give a go, but now I am sort of seeing it as a lifeline.

I find it difficult to believe I may cure it, and that makes me apprehensive about hypnotherapy, because he wants me to keep an open mind. But from what I've read from other people's experiences, it discourages me from that hope and almost giving me an excuse to resign myself to this destiny of pain (i.e. they have it after 30 years, why should I be any different?).

I am also apprehensive at the idea that someone will be delving into my unconscious to see if there's anything else we've missed. Am I repressing something awful? Is it simply my self-esteem issues manifesting itself as a headache? Am I bottling up too much anger?

And at the end of the day, I can relax myself all I want, but I will still have the muscle tension and the knots gripping my body and keeping it tied up tight, good and proper. I've always wondered if I had a day of massage, or a massage every day for a week, a month, would it get rid of all the knots and the tension?

I just have to keep reminding myself that I could be so much worse off. And I know I have to keep on fighting. If we were put on this earth for anything, it wasn't to make money, to have kids, to create more efficient manufacturing industries. It was to overcome obstacles. And I'm still overcoming this one. Maybe it can't be overcome, but I'd at least like to get somewhere with it. I'm been trying to for so long already.

Oh So Tired of Being Sick

I am off work today. I'm not dying of flu, or a stomach bug. I am in pain from my head. Yesterday was the closest I have come in the 6 years I have had this headache of doing something stupid with my life.
For the last week my head has been worse than it's been in years. They are wearing me down.

But yesterday was AGONY. Pure, hot, agony. I took 2 Ibuprofen but they only took the edge off it, they didn't get rid of it, I had a massage in my lunch break and that made my headache worse. I wasn't doing anything different, just working like usual and the pain just kept increasing and increasing. The last time my head hurt so much as when I went swimming in 1st year of university and I thought my head was going to explode it hurt so bad. Yesterday was like that, but worse, and on dry land.

It is in fact been bad since I woke up today too, but I have done some yoga, and relaxed, and it hasn't gotten as bad as it did yesterday - at least not yet.
So I'm kicking back, drinking water and orange juice, and sniffing a whole lot of Olbas Oil (this sudden increase in pain is most likely a result of a cold, and possible sinus problems, so I'm about to spend half an hour under a towel with a bowl of boiling water to clear some stuff out.)

What irks me is that I can't seem to do anything to get past it anymore. It's there, all the time, it always has been, but it is stopping me from living. I had to cancel on my friend twice this week because my head was so bad. Now I've had to take a day off to try and get it under control. It's not on. I'm torn between accepting the pain and waging war, but I can't see how either action will bring about a happy ending.

Hmph. Time for the steam bath.

At War with my Head

Life got in the way of me posting on this blog. But telling a colleague today about everything I've done to try and cure myself made me realise that I need to get this all down. I need to help other people. I need for my own sake to document the pain and the problems.

I've been trying to keep a headache diary for the last few weeks to help identify any triggers. I haven't done a headache diary for many years and I remembered why once I started doing this one: they are impossible to keep track of. Well, not impossible, but the only way I could record every fluctuation is if I didn't work all day and literally sat at home waiting for them in order to write them down.

From what I've noted so far, triggers include: walking, the cold, sitting still, not eating, not drinking, eating and drinking, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough.

I am all for control, ok, but there is just no way I am going to be able to control all these things that I might see as triggers.

Not eating and drinking - ok, I'll just eat or drink something. Cue trigger from eating or drinking. And I am being way more careful or what I'm eating these days.
I can't not walk. I can't avoid the cold in this country. And my job requires me to sit still at a desk. I take regular breaks, but this doesn't seem to help.

I have a cold at the moment which really hasn't helped but I can't stop that either really. I think the massive pains I'm getting in my right temple and sinuses (and weirdly, stabbing pains in my left ear that feel like someone is ramming a screwdriver down into there) are related to my cold. But I'm trying to treat and there's not a lot else I can do.

I saw Dave Taylor at the weekend, and whilst he is a great chap and a fantastic masseuse, he's didn't make a huge amount of difference, and that's because I leave too long between sessions. I have time and money issues (I lack both). But I'm making a headache plan because I have waged war on my head.

Or at least I thought I had, until I re-read my last post, all those months ago, and looked at the thread I had linked. I think the biggest problem is facing up to the fact that I may well have this condition for the rest of my life. And it really is difficult to do that when every single day it makes you want to blow your brains out. Honestly, no matter how happy I am with my boyfriend, my job, my life in general, everyday I wish there were a way I could blow my brains out just to get rid of this headache. I was to inject poison into my veins so the blood vessels that might be constricted just melt away. I want to poke my finger in my ear and keep poking until I get to the muscles around my head and just pull them out. Gone, away.
I have never been so close to jumping in front of a train as I was yesterday.

And it sounds melodramatic, and I know that I could be SO much worse off. But at the same time, I live with this pain every day. If I didn't have enough to deal with, like finding my own feet in the world, negotiating a career in this job-poor country and trying to carve an identity for myself, I am constantly taunted and tortured by this pain.
It is wearing me down faster than it has been before. I used to be pretty strong. I'm getting to feel pretty weak.

But when you have to sit and work all day with stabbing pains coming from both sides of your head and an ache at the bottom of skull like it's going to fall off, you do start to question the hell the point of it all is.


I am trying very hard to focus on the positives. I am starting hypnotherapy this coming Saturday, so hopefully I will be able to blog about that. What I'm aiming for (and I think he is on the same page with me about this) are some self-hypnosis techniques I can use to relax myself. I'm notoriously bad at relaxing, everybody I know knows this. The guy I am seeing is Steve Cook. He seems really lovely and keen to help. Maybe he's already worked his hypnosis skills on me but I feel I can trust this guy. He has been on the level with me about what he can and cannot do, and I am looking forward to some positive results.


I'm hoping I can find a community for Chronic headache sufferers. As soon as I do, I'll post it on here.